How Setting Boundaries Can Strengthen Your Relationships
Boundaries. It feels like a pretty scary word nowadays. And, you know what? I get it! Our media and mainstream conversations about boundaries paint setting boundaries to be heated conversations - most likely arguments - with a lot of consequences. And actually enforcing our boundaries? That’s viewed as being an asshole and selfish. But the reality of boundaries is anything but. In our relationships, setting and maintaining boundaries is key to fostering trust, respect, and overall happiness. While it may seem counterintuitive, setting clear boundaries can actually bring you closer to the people in your life. In this blog post, we will learn why boundaries are important in strengthening your relationships, what boundaries to set and how to set them, and how to maintain boundaries in relationships.
Why boundaries are important
Having clear boundaries in relationships is essential for maintaining healthy connections. Setting boundaries means communicating your needs and what behaviors you will accept from others. Having boundaries is a natural part of being a human. Yupp! We ALL have them, we just don’t always acknowledge them within ourselves or share them with those around us. I want you to look at a boundary like a brick. When creating the foundation of your relationships, you want it to be solid…like a brick. Boundaries are a way of communicating your needs that builds a solid foundation for your relationships to exist from in mutually respectful ways.
Without clear boundaries, one person’s needs may dominate the others’ leaving that person to feel overlooked, taken advantage of, or even resentful. Boundaries allow everyone to feel heard and valued - and who doesn’t deserve to feel that way? Remember that boundaries are like laying bricks for solid relationship foundations that help to make relationships feel safe and good; they are not meant to be walls between people that hurt emotional connection or lead to conflict.
How boundaries strengthen relationships
The nature of having and maintaining boundaries establishes really good communication in relationships. It is freeing and comforting to feel secure in being upfront and honest with those we care about. In the long-term, maintaining boundaries:
Reduces resentment when needs are mutually respected
Creates deeper trust when limits are honored
Allows intimacy to grow because of the sense of safety
Encourages and provides the pathway for speaking up before small issues become major ones
Enhancing Communication
Having clear boundaries helps to establish easy and effective communication within relationships because there is already a good baseline understanding of needs, desires, and limits. When everyone in the relationship is aware and respectful of each other’s boundaries, it creates the space for open and honest dialogue further strengthening the connection among everyone.
Here are some ways strong boundaries help to improve communication, no matter what type of relationship it is:
Creates a safe space for openness. People feel more confident being vulnerable and expressing authentically
Minimizes misunderstandings. There is less guesswork about what's acceptable or expected
Encourages speaking up. Boundaries give people permission to voice their needs and preferences without fear of shame or judgment
Provides a roadmap for working through conflicts. Discussing boundaries allows people to articulate needs and find compromises more easily
Fosters the ability to say ‘no’. Good boundaries make it easier for people to act in ways that honor their limits enhancing their self-respect
Reduces space for resentment. Lack of boundaries builds frustration while not having the conversational landscape to talk about it
Starts important conversations. Proactive discussions about needs, goals, and values are part of setting boundaries
Improves non-verbal communication. Boundaries help align unspoken actions/behaviors with stated values
Promotes honesty and directness. Strong boundaries enable people to address issues directly rather than hinting
Fostering Mutual Trust
Knowing that you have a relationship you can share honestly in and have your limits be respected only builds a sense of security and reliability that makes a relationship fulfilling! Trust is core to any healthy relationship. We are able to demonstrate commitment to the well-being of the relationship by laying the building blocks of a good foundation through setting and honoring boundaries.
Creating trust in a relationship through boundaries happens because:
Shows reliability. People learn they can trust you to mean what you say as you stick to your communicated boundaries
Provides predictability. Being consistent with boundaries allows people to understand your values and have more understanding of your reactions.
Reduces harmful behaviors. Boundaries provide the roadmap for people to understand what may be hurtful before actually causing hurt. Respecting these limits expresses care towards the person and the relationship
Allows for autonomy. Respecting each other's boundaries communicates freedom to be yourself within the relationship.
Encourages vulnerability. Emotional safety is fostered as boundaries are kept which improves comfort in being open and honest
Prevents scorekeeping. Firm, consistent boundaries don't require tallying offenses. Even better, having the boundary in place helps issues get resolved in the moment because there is already an understanding and ongoing conversation about what exactly happened
Offers insight. Sharing your boundaries provides those in your life a look into your beliefs, history, fears, and needs.
Demonstrates integrity. Staying true to your word about boundaries displays commitment and follow-through
Preventing Resentment and Conflict
We’ve briefly touched on how having boundaries prevents scorekeeping and improves overall emotional connection. Not only do clear boundaries minimize conflicts from arising, but they also forge a path to work through them more easily. Whether or not we’ve expressed a boundary to someone, we still know when they’ve been violated. Not sharing a boundary prior to feeling disregarded because of a boundary-violation can lead to emotional pain like frustration and anger. Clearly communicating and respecting boundaries in our relationships establishes healthy parameters that naturally reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and resulting hurt feelings.
Some key ways having boundaries prevent resentment and conflict:
Reduces feeling taken for granted. The nature of boundaries ensures no one feels exploited because what is and isn’t acceptable has been clarified
Manages expectations. By communicating limits ahead of time, boundaries make it clear what each person can reasonably expect of the other
Allows for saying "no." Boundaries empower people to decline requests that overstep limits or cause discomfort with fear because it is not new information
Encourages compromise. Discussing boundaries fosters finding mutually acceptable solutions before situations escalate
Prevents pent-up emotions. Expressing and honoring boundaries alleviates bottling up feelings that could lead to blowups
Provides tools for diffusing conflict. Having set boundaries allows people to easily refer back to agreed upon limits which helps to de-escalate rising tensions
Gives each person space. Respecting individual boundaries means respecting each other's autonomy
Promotes self-care. Strong boundaries let people prioritize their health and wellbeing
The major takeaway for how boundaries prevent conflict is that setting boundaries make needs and limits clear, enabling us to take constructive action before issues 1) arise, and/or 2) turn into major grievances or conflicts.
Encouraging Self-care and Well-being
Boundaries ensure our needs are not being sacrificed in relationships for the sake of the relationship. By setting boundaries, people can prioritize their mental, emotional, and physical well-being allowing them to show up in their relationships as their best self.
Here are some ways that establishing clear boundaries encourages greater self-care and well-being:
Reduces stress and anxiety. Keeping firm boundaries prevents you from taking on too much and getting overwhelmed
Creates time for health habits. Setting limits on your availability makes room for taking care of yourself like getting good enough sleep, nutrition, exercise, hobbies, etc.
Improves mental health. Boundaries help minimize involvement in harmful situations
Enables you to identify needs. The process of setting boundaries helps you better understand yourself and how to articulate your needs
Reinforces self-worth. Keeping firm boundaries demonstrates value your health and happiness improving self-compassion and self-confidence
Prevents burnout. Setting some non-negotiable boundaries around workload and pace of life helps protect against exhaustion
Allows rest and relaxation. Saying "no" to certain obligations gives you freedom to recharge and engage in restorative activities
Promotes self-awareness. Noticing when you resent certain demands clues you into where you may need stronger boundaries
What boundaries are not
Okay, so boundaries are good and important…cool. But let’s get just as clear on what boundaries aren’t in order to set healthy ones.
Boundaries aren’t:
A way to control others. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself, not forcing people to behave how you want
Permanent. Boundaries can be flexible as situations or relationships change
Punishments or ultimatums. A healthy boundary is not about retaliation or making threats
A sign you don't care. Having boundaries shows self-respect, not a lack of compassion for those around you
Selfish. It’s human nature to have needs, and boundaries help balance mutual care of needs in relationships
Fixed rules. What you need from others may vary based on the relationship and context
Confrontational. Healthy boundary-setting is best communicated politely and without defensiveness. Again, we’re not calling people out or restricting their behaviors
Always easy. Setting boundaries requires courage and practice to become comfortable with. Even seasoned boundary-setters will encounter circumstances that feel trickier
The healthiest boundaries are clear, consistent, and rooted in an act of self-care towards yourself rather than control of someone else. They allow mutual support and respect to grow between people.
Signs you might need a boundary
A certain conversation topic(s) makes you feel anxiety or dread
You consistently avoid certain people or situations
You feel like a relationship is 1-sided
You agree to everything just so things can “go smoothly”
You’re told or made to feel that their feelings or needs are more important
You feel drained during or after an interaction with someone
You don’t feel like yourself (maybe negative or anxious) after spending time with them
You’ve considered “taking a break” or distancing from the friendship
How to set boundaries
Quick recap: boundaries are not to tell other people what they can and/or cannot do. Rather, boundaries help you plan and communicate your OWN responses to other people’s words and actions. Healthy boundary practice helps you notice how other people’s behaviors impact you, casually communicate your limits in regards to the behaviors, and consider what feels possible and good for enforcing the limit.
To start, you want to identify your needs, values, and limits. What behaviors or situations make you feel uncomfortable? What do you want and need more or less of in relationships?
Next, spend some time with yourself figuring out the importance of these realizations. In other words, what is your limit? To what extent, if any, can certain people, actions, and/or situations exist that still feels good to you?
An extra step for even smoother communication and boundary-setting is figuring out what other ways someone can act or the consequence if the limit is crossed. AKA find an alternative to offer and/or clear results if that alternative is not taken up and the boundary is violated.
Then, share those observations. Again, boundaries are about honoring a recognition of our own preferences. Use “I” statements when expressing your feelings to avoid placing blame or raising defenses.
Here’s some examples that express things you’ve learned about yourself without controlling another person’s behaviors:
“I get really anxious when plans change at the last minute. When possible, I need at least 24 hours notice if things change.”
“I know you want to hold my hand in public because you care about me and it helps you feel connected. But I’ve realized I am really uncomfortable with PDA. I am happy to hold your hand at home or in private.”
“Mom and Dad, I know I haven’t spoken up in the past, but the truth is I am realizing it is hard for me to hear you vent about each other. Please find other support or professional help if you think it could help. I am happy to talk to you guys about anything else, but I can no longer be in the middle.”
“We don’t allow smoking in the house because we’ve noticed the smell makes me cough. You’re welcome to smoke outside away from the door if you’d like, but I can’t continue to have you over if you keep smoking inside.”
How to maintain boundaries
Just like people, boundaries change and evolve over time. Give yourself permission to be flexible and ask for what you need as life happens. It can be helpful to have ongoing conversations through check-ins to make sure things are still working for everyone involved.
Be clear about your limits. Communicate boundaries kindly but firmly, without making apologies or justifications. Say no when you need to.
Practice consistency. Follow through when a boundary is crossed. Don't make exceptions or people will not take your boundaries seriously
Take space when needed. It's okay to pause interactions that feel unhealthy. Time apart helps reinforce boundaries
Seek support if struggling. Turn to supportive friends, a therapist, or support groups if you need help upholding boundaries
Be respectful of others' boundaries too. Make sure your actions don't overstep the limits someone in your life shares
Reflect on your feelings. Notice when you start resenting, feeling used, or otherwise upset. This is usually a clue that a boundary needs reinforcing
Stay calm when communicating. Simply restate your boundary clearly if it's questioned instead of arguing or justifying
Know you aren't responsible for the emotions or reactions of others'. People may get upset, but that does not require your viewpoint to change
With practice, boundary-setting gets easier. The peace and self-respect you'll gain is well worth the initial discomfort.
TLDR:
Boundaries are a tool that allows us to take care of ourselves. They are an essential part of nurturing healthy relationships leading to fuller connections with the people in our lives. Though setting firm boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, they ultimately help your most meaningful relationships to deepen and further develop over time. Remember, healthy boundary practice is not about control or creating distance, but creating a framework for mutual care, respect, and personal growth in relationships. So I encourage you to take time to explore your own needs and communicate them with love and respect. Your relationships will thank you for it!
If you or someone you know would benefit from talking more about boundaries, people-pleasing, and guilt around self-care, I would love to support you! Reach out here if you live in New Jersey or Massachusetts to learn more about working together.
As always, take good care of yourself
-Elise
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